when people give me compliments I feel like a vending machine trying to accept a wrinkly dollar and it’s just really frustrating for everyone involved
Oh no the outside cat is crying but I can’t get up to help him omfg
can I pls never see another bug ever again okay thank you
WhAT THE FUCK GIANT CENTIPEDE AGAIN NO NO NO NO
OH MY GOSHHHH
I CANT HANDLE SECONDHAND EMBARRASSMENT OFF OF TV SHOW CHARACTERS OH MY GOD
it ok to not be ready
Please spread this shit like wildfire. People go on and sit through the whole experience and they’re uncomfortable because they just want to please their partner and they don’t tell them that they want to stop because they are not ready. It’s okay not to be ready.
Pain. Heartbreak. Loss. Death.
It’s all good.
i want to write the kind of short stories you read in english class that are on this weird level of surrealism that they still haunt you years down the road
hello 911 I want to report a theft. yes. A cutie stole my heart. No. I just want the cutie back. They can keep my heart. Thank you. Yes. I’ll stay on the line.
When my grandma died I found this in her room, I laughed so hard and I made me much more happy
FOUND YOU, MOTHERFUCKER.
For the record, Martin got angry at me for having Benedict as my phone wallpaper. “You motherfucker, you have Ben as your phone background.” WHAT A SWEETHEART, we completely took him by surprise and he ended up chatting for a good 15 minutes about life, school and Fargo.
I told him I cosplay John Watson and when he pulled me in for a picture, he said endearingly “The two Johns.”